The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans #009
….New staff?
BIG HUMAN’S SOLUTION
An Entirely Unnecessary Feline Experiment
There are few things more concerning than hearing Big Human speak to herself.
Particularly when the subject appears to be me.
I was conducting my usual afternoon surveillance from the screened patio when I heard her behind me.
“Do you need a buddy?”
I turned around.
Surely she was speaking to someone else.
There was no one else.
“Would that make you happy? Maybe then you wouldn’t keep trying to get outside.”
...
Excuse me?
A buddy?
I do not require a buddy.
I have an entire staff.
There is Big Human for meals, transportation, medical emergencies, and lap-related services.
Little Human provides entertainment and occasional snacks.
The Padfoots provide security.
Ezra provides...
Well.
Ezra provides absolutely nothing of measurable value.
I have subjects beyond the patio.
I have birds to monitor.
I have an estate to govern.
What possible purpose would another feline serve?
Besides, I wasn't trying to escape because I was lonely.
I was conducting field inspections.
There is a substantial difference.
Apparently Big Human disagreed.
Several days later, she arrived home carrying something.
A carrier.
I immediately recognized the equipment.
This was concerning.
I approached cautiously.
There was a smell coming from inside.
Cat.
Male cat.
Oh, absolutely not.
Big Human opened the carrier.
Inside sat a rather unfortunate-looking black-and-white fellow.
He looked tired.
He sounded worse.
His nose was stuffy. His eyes weren't quite right. And judging by his general appearance, wherever he'd been before arriving at my estate had clearly lacked adequate staff.
Big Human scooped him up.
“This is Finan.”
I stared at Finan.
Finan stared at me.
Big Human continued.
“He's just going to stay with us for a while. He needs to get better.”
Ah.
Temporary.
That was different.
Apparently this was not a buddy.
This was a charitable outreach program.
I could permit charitable outreach.
A monarchy must maintain a favorable public image.
Big Human established a recovery area, produced medications, cleaned eyes and noses, prepared meals, washed bedding, and generally fussed over the newcomer with the level of attention normally reserved for someone of my rank.
I monitored the situation closely.
Strictly for quality-control purposes.
Finan, meanwhile, began recovering.
And becoming comfortable.
Far too comfortable.
He discovered my windows.
He discovered my patio.
He discovered my toys.
He discovered Big Human's lap.
Then, one evening, I discovered him sleeping on Big Human's chest.
My chest.
Well.
Not my chest.
Obviously.
But that was my location.
I sat nearby and stared at him.
Finan opened one eye.
I stared harder.
He closed it again.
The audacity.
Over the following days, something even more troubling occurred.
Finan began following me.
If I went to the patio, Finan came to the patio.
If I inspected the kitchen, Finan inspected the kitchen.
If I sat at the glass door watching my subjects, he sat beside me.
At first I found this irritating.
Then...
I found it slightly less irritating.
One afternoon we spent nearly an hour watching a squirrel make several extremely questionable decisions in the backyard.
Finan saw them too.
Finally.
Someone else understood the seriousness of perimeter surveillance.
Another evening, Big Human found us asleep beside each other.
This was purely coincidental.
The estate contains numerous sleeping locations.
We happened to select the same one.
At the same time.
With our paws touching.
Coincidence.
Big Human smiled.
“I knew you needed a buddy.”
I immediately moved my paw.
I did not.
The following morning, Finan wasn't on the patio when I arrived.
I waited.
Three minutes.
Then five.
I went looking for him.
Not because I missed him.
Obviously.
I simply needed to know the whereabouts of all temporary personnel.
I found him asleep on Big Human's bed.
I jumped up beside him.
He opened his eyes.
I gave him a small head bump.
He returned it.
Then we went back to sleep.
I have therefore completed my evaluation of Big Human's experiment.
Her original hypothesis remains fundamentally flawed.
I did not need a buddy.
However...
Finan may remain while his recovery continues.
For medical reasons.
And operational efficiency.
And because two cats can monitor considerably more wilderness than one.
Also, he is surprisingly warm.
But let the record show:
Big Human was not right.
She simply reached an acceptable conclusion through deeply questionable reasoning.
There is a difference.
Although...
I have not scratched at the door lately.
This fact is unrelated.
Completely.
Entirely.
Unrelated.
Marlowe’s Journal
Big Human believes I needed a buddy.
She is mistaken.
Finan is merely a temporary resident requiring supervision.
Although…
the patio is considerably less boring when he is there.
I will not be informing Big Human of this.
She is already far too pleased with herself.