The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans #011
FINAN Can Stay…🐾
A completely predictable success, obviously.
There has been a development.
The temporary feline is no longer pathetic.
This is unfortunate, as his general state of patheticness had been one of his more compelling qualities.
Finan is feeling good.
He is looking good.
His eyes no longer leak. His nose is no longer producing alarming substances. The coughing and sneezing have largely ceased. His coat is shiny. His appetite is... concerning.
And apparently, the well-dressed gentleman has gained weight.
Quite a bit of it.
In fact, Big Human recently announced that Finan now weighs more than I do.
I stared at her.
Then I stared at him.
Then I stared at my food bowl.
I have suspected theft for some time.
This confirms nothing.
But an investigation remains ongoing.
To his credit, Finan has maintained his formal attire throughout his recovery. Black coat. White shirt. White gloves.
The gentleman came dressed for dinner.
Apparently, he also came prepared to eat mine.
There have also been... other developments.
Finan follows me less desperately now.
Which is good.
He has developed dignity.
Mostly.
But we have established several mutually beneficial arrangements.
For example, the dining room table is quite large.
There is technically enough room for two cats.
I discovered this myself.
Finan merely happened to be present when I discovered it.
We now occasionally co-nap there.
This should not be interpreted as affection.
It is efficient use of available real estate.
Likewise, the sun reaches several excellent locations throughout the estate. On particularly agreeable afternoons, Finan and I may be found stretched out together in a patch of it.
Again.
Solar resources should not be wasted.
And there remains the important matter of surveillance.
The kingdom beyond the patio door requires constant observation.
Birds.
Squirrels.
Suspicious leaves.
Occasional insects.
Finan has proven himself surprisingly competent in this regard.
We sit together and judge them.
He has opinions.
Not always correct ones.
But opinions nonetheless.
There has also been grooming.
I groom him.
He grooms me.
This is merely routine maintenance between colleagues.
Obviously.
And we regularly conduct predator preparedness exercises.
Stalking.
Pouncing.
Ambushes.
Wrestling.
Chasing.
Pinning one's opponent to the floor while demonstrating superior combat technique.
Finan participates willingly.
Usually.
Big Human occasionally interferes.
Apparently, she believes that when Finan begins yelling, hissing and attempting to escape, I have become “too rough.”
Ridiculous.
I am an excellent instructor.
Finan simply lacks commitment to the exercise.
Big Human will march over, separate us and say things such as:
“Marlowe. LET HIM GO.”
How dare she interrupt official training.
Finan then retreats several feet away and acts deeply offended.
Five minutes later, he returns.
Which proves my point.
There is, however, one matter requiring discussion.
Finan has become an outrageous Big Human monopolizer.
The moment Big Human sits on the couch, there he is.
On her lap.
Against her chest.
Under her chin.
At night, he climbs directly onto Big Human and goes to sleep as though this is somehow his assigned sleeping location.
It is excessive.
I personally do not sleep on Big Human's chest.
I have standards.
I require space.
Proper positioning.
Freedom of movement.
Still...
One cannot simply allow another feline unrestricted possession of Big Human.
Therefore, when Finan occupies the upper territory, I take possession of Big Human's legs on the ottoman.
This is not jealousy.
It is strategic occupation.
Big Human should know where her loyalties lie.
Which brings us to the experiment.
Big Human originally suggested that perhaps I needed a buddy.
I objected.
Strongly.
Then she brought home a sickly tuxedo feline under the guise of a temporary foster.
I tolerated him.
For charity.
I allowed him to follow me.
For his emotional development.
I permitted him to sleep beside me.
For warmth.
I groomed him.
For hygiene.
I trained him.
For household preparedness.
I shared my sunspots.
For efficiency.
I allowed him access to my dining table.
Under supervision.
And somewhere along the way...
Finan stopped being the temporary feline.
He became...
Well.
Finan.
My associate.
My patrol partner.
My sparring opponent.
My co-napper.
My fellow observer of kingdom affairs.
My...
...
There is no need to become sentimental.
The experiment was a success.
However, I would like the Official Household Record to reflect one extremely important correction:
This was not Big Human's idea.
Big Human merely supplied the test subject.
I conducted the experiment.
I evaluated the candidate.
I oversaw his rehabilitation.
I established the parameters.
And after an extensive trial period, I have decided he may stay.
Therefore:
EXPERIMENT STATUS: SUCCESSFUL
TEMPORARY FOSTER STATUS: REVOKED
FINAN: APPROVED FOR PERMANENT HOUSEHOLD RESIDENCY
You're welcome, Big Human.
I solved the problem.
Marlowe's Journal
Finan slept beside me in the sun today.
Later, we watched a bird through the patio door.
He saw it first.
I will not be documenting that elsewhere.
Tonight he will undoubtedly sleep on Big Human's chest.
I will take the legs.
This arrangement is...
acceptable.
Note to self: Continue investigation into missing food.
He did not get that fat by breathing.