The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans #014
….My name is NOT Marlin!!
AN EMERGENCY SESSION OF THE HOUSEHOLD COUNCIL
🐾 The King requested serious input. This was apparently too much to ask. 🐾
Following my discovery that Big Human and Lil Human may be considering the acquisition of either:
A girl cat named Sarah,
a girl kitten named Sarah,
another boy cat,
another boy kitten,
a Maine Coon,
a mane coon,
a raccoon,
or some combination thereof—
I determined that this matter had grown beyond the scope of a single monarch.
Not beyond my authority, obviously.
Let us be very clear about that.
I simply decided it would be prudent to solicit input from the household before issuing my final decree.
Therefore, I called an Emergency Session of the Household Council.
Attendance was mandatory.
Cooperation was not.
Apparently.
MATILDA 🐾
Matilda arrived first.
Technically, she was already on the couch and declined to move, so I relocated the meeting to accommodate her.
As the longest-serving Padfoot, Matilda possesses considerable institutional knowledge.
She has witnessed multiple changes in household personnel.
She has survived Malachi.
This alone qualifies her as a senior advisor.
I presented the facts.
Possible girl cat.
Matilda blinked.
Possible kitten.
Nothing.
Possible additional boy cat.
She sighed.
Possible raccoon.
One ear moved.
Finally.
A response.
I asked whether she believed the introduction of another feline could destabilize the household.
Matilda rolled onto her other side.
I have recorded her official position as:
“I have seen worse.”
Which was almost certainly a reference to Malachi.
MALACHI 🐾
Malachi arrived at considerable speed despite the meeting taking place approximately six feet away from him.
He immediately became very excited that everyone was gathered together.
This was not helpful.
I explained that we were discussing the potential arrival of a new cat.
Malachi wagged.
I explained that it could be a kitten.
More wagging.
This concerned me.
I explained that the kitten might run.
His ears went up.
Oh no.
I reminded him that running cats are not an invitation to become involved.
He lowered his head.
I reminded him that chasing members of the monarchy is prohibited.
He looked at Matilda.
Matilda looked at him.
Malachi sat down.
Excellent.
Matilda remains extremely useful.
I then introduced the Maine Coon intelligence.
Malachi tilted his head.
I said:
“Raccoon.”
Other head tilt.
I said:
“Possibly large.”
He looked interested.
I said:
“Possibly with tiny hands.”
He looked concerned.
Then something happened outside and he forgot the entire meeting.
Official position:
“NEW FRIEND?! WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?”
Noted.
BUDDHA 🐾
The Old Man was next.
Buddha did not come to the meeting.
The meeting came to Buddha.
This seemed reasonable.
I explained Sarah.
Nothing.
I explained the possible boy.
Nothing.
I explained the kitten.
One eye opened.
I explained the Maine raccoon theory.
The eye closed.
Buddha has lived long enough to recognize when a situation is not worth interrupting a nap.
I believe his counsel was profound.
I have recorded it as:
“Whatever is coming, it will eventually lie down.”
I admit this gave me pause.
The Old Man may have a point.
I did not tell him this.
FINAN 🐾
Finan was already aware of the investigation.
His previous contribution had been negligible.
Nevertheless, as the household’s other current feline resident, I felt obligated to allow him to testify.
I explained the situation again.
Sarah.
Finan washed a paw.
Girl kitten.
Other paw.
Boy cat.
Chest.
Maine Coon.
Behind the ear.
Raccoon.
He stopped grooming.
AHA.
Finally.
I leaned closer.
Finan looked at me.
I waited.
He sneezed.
Then he walked over and rubbed against Big Human.
That was his entire testimony.
I have therefore recorded Finan's official position as:
“Will Big Human still have a chest?”
Typical.
He has no concern whatsoever about territorial sovereignty.
No questions regarding food reserves.
No interest in the political implications of a potential queen.
His entire government appears to consist of finding Big Human and lying on her.
And somehow...
it has been remarkably successful.
Disturbing.
EZRA
Ezra was not originally a member of the Household Council.
He was here for flight training.
However, given that he possesses an aerial perspective and has experience observing this household from above, I decided an outside consultant might be useful.
This was a mistake.
I presented the situation.
Ezra stared at me.
I explained Sarah.
He stared at me.
I explained the additional boy.
He adjusted his foot.
I explained the Maine Coon.
He leaned forward.
Finally, someone was taking this seriously.
I explained my working theory involving a large northern raccoon with luxurious hair and tiny criminal hands.
Ezra stared at me for several seconds.
Then:
“Marlin.”
...
My name is Marlowe.
We have discussed this.
He said it again.
“Marlin.”
I attempted to redirect him to the matter before the Council.
He flapped his wings.
I interpreted this as a request for clarification.
So I provided additional details.
Maine.
Mane.
Coon.
Raccoon.
Kitten.
Sarah.
Potential Queen.
Possible overthrow of the monarchy.
Ezra listened carefully.
Then he made a noise that I can only describe as deeply disrespectful.
I am fairly certain the bird laughed at me.
His consulting privileges have been revoked.
Official position:
“Marlin.”
Useless.
THE COUNCIL DELIBERATES 🐾
Having gathered testimony from every available member of the household, I reviewed the findings.
Matilda believes we have survived worse.
Malachi would apparently welcome anything that moves, which is exactly why he does not participate in immigration decisions.
Buddha believes eventually everyone goes to sleep.
Finan wants confirmation that Big Human’s chest will remain available.
And Ezra believes my name is Marlin.
I had assembled the greatest minds available to me...
and somehow I was more alone than before.
Not one member expressed adequate concern about Sarah.
Not one asked whether the food budget could sustain another feline.
Not one addressed the possibility of a Queen.
NO ONE ASKED ABOUT THE RACCOON HANDS.
I called this meeting because I required serious counsel.
Instead, I received a nap, a tail wag, a sneeze, ancient indifference, and harassment from a bird.
Therefore, after careful consideration of all testimony, the Household Council has reached its official conclusion:
Everyone except me is dangerously unconcerned.
Fortunately, I remain in charge.
MARLOWE’S OFFICIAL COUNCIL NOTES🐾
Matilda: Accepts proposed expansion. Suspiciously calm.
Malachi: Thinks everything is a friend until it moves too quickly.
Buddha: Has transcended concern.
Finan: Asked no useful questions. Continues to prioritize chest access.
Ezra: External consultant. Unprofessional. Keeps calling the presiding monarch “Marlin.”
Sarah: Still unknown. Still named. Still alarming.
Boy Cat: Unnecessary.
Kitten: Energetically unacceptable.
Maine Coon: Investigation ongoing.
Raccoon Hands: STILL NOT ADEQUATELY ADDRESSED.
Council Recommendation: Apparently, “It will be fine.”
King’s Recommendation: NO.
Final Vote:
In favor of remaining exactly as we are: ME.
In favor of whatever Big Human decides: Everyone else, apparently.
Abstained due to nap: Buddha.
Failed to understand parliamentary procedure: Malachi.
Voted for Big Human’s chest: Finan.
Not actually eligible to vote: Ezra.
Called me Marlin anyway: Ezra.
I hereby adjourned the meeting.
No meaningful decisions were reached.
No useful assurances were provided.
And I am beginning to suspect that if Big Human actually brings home this mysterious Sarah-Maine-Raccoon-Kitten creature, I may be the only member of this household emotionally prepared for it.
Which is troubling.
Because I am not emotionally prepared for it.