The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans #015
Not a raccoon…Girl Cat Denied…
A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY
🐾 Further investigation into the Maine situation was required. Raccoon Theory: Debunked. 🐾
Following the complete failure of the Household Council to provide any meaningful assistance, I determined there was only one responsible course of action.
Research.
Big Human frequently sits on the couch with her computer.
I have observed this device extensively.
Apparently, humans use it to obtain information from something called Google.
Convenient.
So I positioned myself beside Big Human, looked directly at the computer, and began dictating.
“Maine Coon.”
Big Human continued typing.
Excellent.
She understands.
“Cat.”
More typing.
“Raccoon.”
Nothing.
I leaned closer to the screen.
Big Human moved my head.
Rude.
I returned it.
She moved it again.
I returned it again.
Eventually, information appeared.
I would like the Official Household Record to reflect that I successfully conducted an internet search.
Big Human may claim she was doing something completely unrelated and that I was merely shoulder surfing.
This is inaccurate.
I was supervising the keyboard.
FIRST DISCOVERY:
IT IS NOT A RACCOON.
Thank God.
I admit I experienced a tremendous sense of relief.
No tiny criminal hands.
No masked intruder.
No rabies.
No creature from the Wildness opening cabinets in the middle of the night.
A Maine Coon is apparently...
a cat.
That would have been useful information several days ago.
Interestingly, however, I discovered that humans once spread a ridiculous story suggesting Maine Coons originated from domestic cats and raccoons.
This is biologically impossible.
Obviously.
I knew that.
But I would like it noted that my theory was apparently historically supported by human stupidity.
I feel vindicated.
We continued.
And I must admit...
Hmm.
These are...
impressive cats.
Large ears.
Broad chests.
Long bodies.
Large feet.
Long flowing tails.
Considerable amounts of hair.
Apparently Maine Coons are one of the largest breeds of domestic cat, with the males becoming particularly substantial.
I studied several photographs.
Then I looked at myself.
Then back at the photographs.
I fail to understand the fascination.
Yes, they are magnificent.
But so am I.
The primary difference appears to be that I provide magnificence in a more practical size.
I am portable.
I fit comfortably on furniture.
I can occupy Big Human's lap without cutting off circulation to her lower extremities.
I am, essentially, the travel-size version of excellence.
Why would anyone need that much cat when I have successfully concentrated the necessary amount of greatness into a much easier-to-carry package?
Nevertheless, I continued my investigation.
FACT: THEY ARE GENTLE.
Apparently Maine Coons are known for being sweet-tempered, gentle and friendly, and they generally get along well with children, dogs and other cats.
...
Fine.
That is useful.
We do have Lil Human.
And the Padfoots.
And Malachi.
Especially Malachi.
Someone large enough to stand between Malachi and his own questionable decisions could be beneficial.
I continued reading.
FACT: THEY FOLLOW THEIR HUMANS AROUND.
Apparently these creatures are highly people-oriented and have a tendency to follow their humans from room to room, observing and “helping” with whatever they are doing.
Excuse me?
That is my job.
We already have household supervision.
I have been following Big Human into rooms where she does not require me for years.
This is clearly a redundant feature.
Next.
FACT: THEY AREN'T USUALLY DEMANDING ABOUT ATTENTION.
They like being near their people but are not necessarily lap cats.
...
Interesting.
So it could be present without being on Big Human.
This is preferable.
Finan should study this material.
FACT: THEY CHIRP AND TRILL.
Apparently Maine Coons frequently communicate with chirps and trills rather than ordinary meows.
Why?
You are enormous.
Use your grown-up voice.
Imagine something the size of a small ottoman walking into the room and going:
prrrrp?
Ridiculous.
Next.
FACT: SOME HAVE EXTRA TOES.
I leaned closer.
Apparently some Maine Coons are polydactyl, meaning they have extra toes.
Historically, those oversized paws were even thought to be useful in snowy conditions—rather like natural snowshoes.
...
Extra toes.
Large paws.
Snowshoes.
I admit the security implications are becoming interesting.
A sufficiently large male with oversized feet could potentially serve as...
muscle.
Not leadership.
Let us not get carried away.
But perhaps...
security detail.
I sat back.
This required consideration.
FACT: THEY LIKE WATER.
Many Maine Coons apparently tolerate—or even enjoy—water.
Absolutely bizarre.
But potentially useful.
I don't know how yet.
We will revisit this.
FACT: THEY CAN PLAY FETCH.
Some Maine Coons play fetch, walk on leashes, and can learn simple commands.
How undignified.
…But wait.
Large.
Trainable.
Follows the household.
Good with dogs.
Good with children.
Large paws.
Working-cat ancestry.
...
BIG HUMAN.
I may have been too hasty.
I returned to the photographs.
I studied the males.
Hmm.
A boy Maine Coon could have applications.
Not another king.
Obviously.
There is already a king.
But a large male feline stationed beneath the monarchy could provide a valuable layer of household security.
A Royal Guard.
A bodyguard.
An enforcer.
Someone I could send ahead to investigate suspicious noises.
Someone large enough to deal with Malachi when Malachi forgets personal boundaries.
Someone who could accompany Finan on patrol while I remain in a supervisory position.
This...
This could work.
Big Human.
I approve the boy option.
Not enthusiastically.
Do not misunderstand me.
This is a conditional governmental authorization based entirely upon potential security applications.
Now we simply need to resolve the remaining problem.
Sarah.
No.
Absolutely not.
The research has changed nothing regarding the proposed girl cat.
We do not require a Queen.
We do not require a Princess.
We do not require a Duchess.
We do not require any female feline arriving here with ambitions, opinions, or a suspiciously preassigned name.
Lil Human will simply have to be told:
No.
Big Human, this is your responsibility.
You created her.
Go explain it.
Tell her the King conducted extensive research and determined that the household may authorize:
ONE LARGE MALE SECURITY OFFICER.
The girl-cat proposal has been denied.
Put it to bed.
I closed the investigation.
Or attempted to.
Then I discovered one final fact.
Maine Coons mature slowly and can retain kitten-like, playful personalities well into adulthood.
They are essentially enormous, gentle, good-natured goofs.
...
Big.
Gentle.
Goofy.
Good with dogs.
Follows people around.
Possibly incapable of understanding personal space.
I slowly looked across the room at Malachi.
Then back at the computer.
Then at Malachi.
Then back at the computer.
Oh no.
IT'S A CAT MALACHI.
Big Human...
I need additional time.
📖 MARLOWE'S RESEARCH NOTES
Maine Coon — Preliminary Security Assessment
Raccoon: ❌ NO.
Cat: ✓ Thank God.
Size: Excessive, but potentially useful.
Appearance: Magnificent.
More Magnificent Than Me: No.
Portable: Questionable.
Lap-Sized: Absolutely not.
Gentle: Good.
Likes Children: Useful.
Likes Dogs: Suspicious, but useful.
Malachi Compatibility: Potentially excellent.
Malachi Supervision: Potentially even better.
Follows Humans: Redundant. I already do this.
Not Necessarily a Lap Cat: VERY GOOD.
Chirps: Undignified.
Plays Fetch: Basically a Padfoot.
Likes Water: Deeply concerning.
Extra Toes Available: Apparently.
Large Paws: Excellent for security.
Male Maine Coon: Potential Royal Guard.
Female Maine Coon: No.
Sarah: Still no.
Girl Cat Named Sarah: We have discussed this.
Recommendation to Big Human:
Proceed with investigation of BOY OPTION ONLY.
Recommendation to Lil Human:
No.
Final Assessment:
Maine Coons are acceptable provided everyone understands that being enormous does not constitute a claim to the throne.