The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans #016
THE WRONG CAT ARRIVED
🐾 An investigation into Big Human’s apparent inability to follow very clear instructions. 🐾
Saturday began suspiciously early.
Big Human and Lil Human were awake.
Shoes were being put on.
Keys were acquired.
There was movement.
And Big Human kept talking about how good Lil Human had been at school all week.
I remembered the promise.
If you're good at school this week, there will be a big surprise Saturday.
Today was Saturday.
I had spent the entire week monitoring the situation.
Lil Human had, unfortunately, behaved exceptionally well.
I had considered intervening.
I did not.
Because I have standards.
Also Big Human shuts Lil Human's bedroom door at night.
Regardless.
The humans were leaving.
I positioned myself nearby to gather intelligence.
Then I heard Lil Human squeal something from the direction of the door.
I cannot be completely certain.
But it sounded remarkably like:
“ARE WE GETTING SARAH?!”
...
No.
Surely not.
Big Human had reviewed my recommendation.
I had conducted extensive research.
I had authorized ONE LARGE MALE MAINE COON for potential service as Royal Guard.
This was a matter of national security.
Big Human could not possibly have interpreted that as:
Go acquire the tiny female requested by the preschooler.
Could she?
The door closed.
The vehicle left.
And then...
I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I checked the front window.
Nothing.
I checked the dining room window.
Nothing.
I ate.
I checked again.
Finan slept.
Of course he did.
This was the longest wait in recorded household history.
Possibly several days.
Big Human will claim it was only a few hours.
Big Human was not here and therefore cannot be considered a reliable witness.
Then—
THE VEHICLE.
I heard it enter the driveway.
I immediately took my position on the dining room table.
This provided an excellent view while maintaining the appearance that I had not spent the entire morning waiting for them.
The door opened.
Lil Human came running inside.
Extremely excited.
Big Human followed.
And in her hand...
was a carrier.
A small carrier.
...
No.
I stared at it.
That was not a carrier designed for a large male security officer.
Perhaps the large male was still in the vehicle.
I checked.
No additional carrier.
Perhaps this was supplies.
Perhaps Big Human had brought home a very elaborate snack.
Then Lil Human sat on the living room floor.
Big Human placed the carrier beside her.
They began opening it.
I remained on the dining room table.
Because I am the King.
Kings do not rush across rooms simply because mysterious cargo has entered the kingdom.
I watched.
The door opened.
Nothing happened.
I leaned forward.
Still nothing.
This was intolerable.
I jumped down.
Someone had to investigate.
I approached cautiously.
And then...
something crawled out.
Black.
Orange.
Fluffy.
Tiny.
Very tiny.
I stared.
It stared back.
I looked at Big Human.
I looked at the creature.
I looked back at Big Human.
THIS IS THE FEMALE KITTEN.
Not only had Big Human selected the unauthorized female option...
SHE HAD NOT EVEN ACQUIRED A FULL CAT.
The creature was approximately seventeen pounds below my recommended security specifications.
And then I noticed something else.
Her tail.
Or rather...
PART of her tail.
I looked again.
Surely the rest of it was still inside the carrier.
No.
That appeared to be all the tail we received.
I cannot emphasize this enough:
WHO CHOOSES THE CREATURES AROUND HERE?!
I authorized a large male Maine Coon.
Big Human returned with a tiny female kitten...
AND HALF A TAIL.
We cannot even get an entire cat?!
Before I could properly inspect the situation, Lil Human shouted:
“SARAH!”
...
Sarah.
Of course.
SHE WAS REAL.
The hypothetical threat had become an actual cat.
Sarah looked at me.
I looked at Sarah.
I moved slightly closer.
She hissed.
Loudly.
Then she lifted one microscopic paw and batted at me.
Excuse me?
I had not touched her.
I was conducting an inspection.
That was completely uncalled for.
I looked at Big Human.
Big Human did nothing.
Apparently assaulting the King during your first five minutes in the household is acceptable now.
Sarah hissed again.
And again.
For something approximately the size of a decorative pillow, she had an extraordinary amount to say.
I attempted another inspection.
HISSSSSSS.
Fine.
I understand.
You are very frightening.
Terrifying.
Absolutely enormous.
Please stop yelling.
The hissing continued.
She was loud.
She was opinionated.
She was tiny.
She was missing half her tail.
And Lil Human was absolutely delighted.
I returned to my dining room table.
There are moments in the life of a monarch when one must recognize that the government has failed.
This was one of those moments.
I looked down at Big Human.
She looked extremely pleased with herself.
I am deeply disappointed in her decision-making skills.
For the record:
I requested a large male security officer.
Big Human acquired a tiny female dissident.
These are not interchangeable positions.
🐾 MARLOWE'S INITIAL SARAH ASSESSMENT 🐾
Female: Unfortunately, yes.
Named Sarah: Apparently this has been decided without me.
Maine Coon: Allegedly.
Large: Absolutely not.
Security potential: Currently negligible.
Tail: Approximately 50% received.
Volume: Excessive.
Attitude: Immediate.
Respect for monarchy: None detected.
Hissing: Constant.
Unprovoked assault on King: Documented.
Lil Human approval: Alarmingly high.
Big Human judgment: Under formal review.
Royal Guard: STILL VACANT.
I will continue monitoring the situation.
From my table.
At a reasonable distance.
Because unlike some members of this household...
I know how to behave when meeting someone new.