The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans - Official Household Record #003

Quarantine? …I think NOT!

A BRIEF MISUNDERSTANDING:

Temporary Confinement. Permanent Authority.

My first few days at the Estate were... interesting.

The Big Human felt it necessary to confine me to her private suite.

Granted, it was the finest accommodation available in the residence, complete with an oversized bed, private facilities, and dedicated staff.

Even so...

I do not appreciate closed doors.

I rarely concern myself with the endless chatter of humans, but I gathered something about "quarantine," "introductions," and "keeping everyone safe."

Utter nonsense.

My position within the household had been established the moment I crossed the threshold.

Formal greetings were observed.

Ranks were understood.

Only the humans seemed unaware.

A solution was required.

Humans, I have discovered, possess an unusual attachment to the decorative finishes of their homes.

Apparently, inserting one's claws beneath a closed door—and then applying them enthusiastically to the door, the floor, and literally anything within reach—is considered "undesirable behavior."

Remarkably...

It is also exceptionally effective.

As an added benefit, the empty-headed German Shepherd known as Malachi proved utterly incapable of resisting the occasional glimpse of mysterious kitten paws appearing beneath the door.

He would throw himself against my prison in wild anticipation while I conducted what historians will one day refer to as Psychological Warfare via Peek-a-Boo.

An unexpectedly entertaining diversion.

It was also during my confinement that I uncovered another remarkable pastime.

Toilet paper.

An astonishing invention.

Soft.

Delicate.

Entirely too intact.

Reducing a full roll to decorative snowfall throughout the bathroom was deeply satisfying.

To this day, should the Big Human forget to secure one of the Tissue Chambers...

I still perform quality inspections.

After precisely one evening of these entirely reasonable demonstrations, the Big Human reached the only logical conclusion.

That allowing me unrestricted access to the Estate would be significantly less expensive than replacing every doorframe.

This journal is intended to document the activities of my staff.

However...

It would have been historically irresponsible to omit the account of how I liberated myself.

Journal Entry

Official Conclusion:
The human maintains that I was released because the introductions had gone well.

Between ourselves...

I know who won the negotiation.

— Marlowe, ToeBean-in-Charge