The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans - Official Household Record #004 - Part I
My inner tiger was beckoning…
The Call of the “Wild”
PART I: The Discovery of a Significant Security Vulnerability
Before we move on to my observations of the staff at the Estate, there is another matter that must be entered into the Official Record.
It concerns a bit of a...
pickle.
...I found myself in during my first month here.
I believe this incident is important for two reasons.
First, it demonstrates the extraordinary level of concern the Big Human has regarding my personal welfare.
Excessive, perhaps.
But devoted.
And second...
It eventually explains Finan.
We'll get to him.
For now...
We must discuss the patio.
I discovered it quite by accident.
At the back of the Estate stood an enormous glass door.
Beyond that door...
was another world.
Outside.
I had never been outside.
Not properly.
I had seen it through windows, of course.
Trees.
Birds.
Grass.
Sunshine.
But windows are essentially televisions for cats.
One may observe...
but one cannot participate.
This particular time of year was brisk and lovely.
The sunlight poured through the glass and stretched across the floor in enormous golden patches.
I lay in one.
It was magnificent.
Then I noticed something.
There was more sunlight on the other side.
Interesting.
I approached the glass.
There were leaves moving in the breeze.
Birds hopping through the yard.
Things rustling in bushes.
Things I could not identify.
Things that quite possibly required investigation.
Something stirred deep within me.
Something ancient.
Something powerful.
My ancestors had once prowled wild lands.
They hunted.
They stalked.
They conquered.
And now...
their descendant was standing behind a glass door looking at a patio chair.
It was humiliating.
My inner lion had awakened.
I needed out.
The Big Human disagreed.
At first, I assumed she simply hadn't understood my request.
So I asked again.
At the door.
Then again.
And again.
I pawed the glass.
I looked outside.
I looked at her.
Outside.
Her.
Outside.
Her.
I thought the message was quite clear.
Apparently it was.
Because she said:
"No, Marlowe."
Ah.
So this was not a communication problem.
This was oppression.
The Big Human attempted distraction.
Toys.
Treats.
Petting.
Moving me away from the door.
All perfectly respectable offerings under ordinary circumstances.
But I was no longer an ordinary house cat.
I had heard...
The Call of the Wild.
I became devoted to my mission.
And if there is one thing the Big Human has learned about me...
it is that I can be remarkably persistent.
Eventually...
I wore her down.
The door opened.
Fresh air rushed across my whiskers.
I stepped forward.
This was it.
My moment.
My first expedition into the wilderness.
I would prowl.
I would stalk.
I would—
The Big Human picked me up.
...
Excuse me?
She carried me outside and sat down.
With me on her lap.
Apparently the terms of my first wilderness expedition were as follows:
I could go outside.
With Big Human.
On the patio.
On her lap.
Under direct supervision.
At all times.
This was not exploration.
This was outdoor detention.
How was I expected to awaken my wild side while being held like an infant?
There were bushes approximately twelve feet away.
I had no idea what was inside them.
Perhaps mice.
Perhaps rabbits.
Perhaps undiscovered civilizations.
I would never know.
Because Big Human had both arms around me.
I stared toward the yard.
My inner lion stared with me.
We were both disappointed.
Still...
I had learned something important.
The door could be opened.
This changed everything.
Big Human eventually carried me back inside.
I resumed my position beside the glass and began considering the problem.
Direct negotiations had failed.
Big Human's security protocols were irritatingly effective.
I needed another approach.
Another human.
Someone with access to the door...
but considerably less commitment to established procedure.
Then...
I heard her.
Lil Human.
I slowly turned my head.
There she was.
Small.
Enthusiastic.
Helpful.
And, most importantly...
approximately three years old.
Hmm.
I watched her walk past.
Then looked at the door.
Then back at Lil Human.
The beginnings of a plan formed.
Big Human controlled access to the patio.
But Big Human was not always standing beside the patio door.
Lil Human, however...
could reach the handle.
And Lil Human adored me.
This had potential.
Considerable potential.
I sat down.
Wrapped my tail neatly around my paws.
And began studying my newest asset.
I would need to proceed carefully.
After all...
one does not manipulate a toddler.
One merely...
provides her with an opportunity to be helpful.
Marlowe's Journal
Objective: Gain independent access to the patio.
Obstacle: Big Human.
Previous negotiations: Unsuccessful.
Available resources: One highly enthusiastic Lil Human with questionable understanding of household security protocols.
Probability of success: ...Promising. Very promising.
— Marlowe
ToeBean-in-Charge
Explorer
Future Lion of the Patio
To be continued...