The Adventures of PadFoots & ToeBeans - Official Household Record #005
🐾 OPERATION HOMECOMING 🐾
There it was again.
Rustling.
I froze.
My ears rotated toward the sound.
What was it?
Another unidentified bird?
One of the potentially wolfish Padfoots?
Something from the pond that had somehow developed legs?
I lowered myself slightly and prepared for whatever the Wild intended to throw at me next.
Then I saw it.
A face emerged through the brush.
Feline.
Ah.
Perfect.
Finally.
Civilization.
Or, at the very least, something resembling it.
Perhaps I had been looking at this entire situation incorrectly.
I had spent so much time concerning myself with the dangers of the Wild that I had overlooked the obvious opportunity before me.
My Estate was merely the beginning.
This was an entire realm.
And every realm requires leadership.
A king.
A ruler.
A feline possessing the intelligence, composure, and natural authority necessary to bring order to the wilderness.
I straightened.
Obviously, I was that guy.
My inner tiger had not called me out here merely to explore.
No.
I had been summoned to rule.
Then the rest of them appeared.
...
Oh.
Good heavens.
There were several.
An unruly assortment of rather weather-worn felines emerged from the brush.
One had a torn ear.
Another bore several scars across his face.
One appeared to be missing an eye entirely.
Their coats were rough.
Their expressions were suspicious.
And not one of them looked particularly interested in recognizing my newly established authority.
These creatures had clearly never been properly acclimated to domestic society.
More troubling still...
they appeared to have never experienced climate control.
Hmm.
Climate control.
I suddenly found myself thinking about my pillow on the dining room table.
Soft.
Warm.
Perfectly positioned in the sunlight.
Comfortable.
Safe.
Climate controlled.
...
I missed my pillow.
Then something occurred to me.
Perhaps I had fundamentally misunderstood the role of a king.
Kings do not wander around their kingdoms crawling through shrubbery and negotiating with one-eyed peasants.
They rule from palaces.
From thrones.
Comfortable thrones.
Preferably upholstered.
They rely upon subordinates to handle the daily affairs of the realm.
Yes.
That made considerably more sense.
I surveyed my newly discovered subjects.
This rabble clearly required assistance.
Food, certainly.
Possibly medical attention.
Perhaps a general introduction to civilized society.
I would discuss the matter with Big Human.
She could feed them.
Excellent.
I had already begun delegating.
Leadership.
Speaking of food...
It occurred to me that it was approaching the time when I should be fed.
The birds were no longer a viable option.
The pond had been removed from consideration.
And judging by the appearance of my new subjects, I did not believe they had provisions they were particularly willing—or able—to share.
That left one obvious solution.
Big Human.
Very well.
My inspection of the realm had been sufficient for one day.
It was time to return to the Estate.
I turned around.
...
Road.
Bush.
Tree.
Another bush.
More trees.
Everything looked remarkably similar.
I turned the other direction.
...
Also trees.
Hmm.
Which direction was the Estate?
This presented a minor logistical complication.
I was not lost.
Obviously.
I merely lacked precise information regarding my current position relative to headquarters.
There is a difference.
Fortunately, I had a Big Human.
And if there was one thing I had learned about Big Human, it was that she took her responsibilities regarding my welfare very seriously.
She would find me.
Frankly, after allowing such an egregious breach in Estate security to occur in the first place, retrieving the ToeBean-in-Charge was the least she could do.
There was only one concern.
I preferred that she locate me before my weathered new subjects did.
Or the unknown Padfoots.
Or the birds.
Or anything from that pond.
Very well.
I would assist her.
I lifted my head.
“MEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW!”
I listened.
Nothing.
Again.
“MEEEEEOOOOW!”
Then—
Faintly, somewhere in the distance...
“MARLOWE!”
My ears snapped forward.
Big Human.
I answered immediately.
“MEEEEEOOOOW!”
Again—
“MARLOWE!”
There.
I knew precisely where I was going now.
I ran toward her voice.
Through the trees.
Around the brush.
And then directly through what appeared to be an entirely innocent shrub.
OUCH.
Good heavens.
That vegetation was considerably less soft than it appeared from the dining room table.
Branches grabbed my fur.
Something prickly assaulted my side.
Leaves smacked me directly in the face.
The Wild was becoming increasingly disrespectful.
But I pressed onward.
Then—
a clearing.
And there it was.
The patio.
My Estate.
My palace.
And Big Human.
Lil Human was with her, apparently attempting to produce enough tears to refill the pond.
Then Big Human saw me.
I saw her.
And whatever dignity remained in my carefully executed wilderness expedition temporarily became irrelevant.
I booked it.
Across the clearing.
Straight toward her.
I launched myself into Big Human's arms.
She grabbed me and held me tightly against her.
Her face looked...
different.
Relieved.
Very relieved.
Lil Human was still crying.
Big Human was saying my name over and over.
Apparently my brief inspection of the realm had caused considerable concern among the staff.
I allowed Big Human to hold me.
She clearly needed the reassurance.
I may have tucked myself slightly closer against her.
For her benefit, obviously.
There would be time later to discuss the security failures that had allowed this entire incident to occur.
There would also be time to address my newly discovered subjects beyond the Estate perimeter.
They clearly required assistance, and I would see to it that Big Human attended to the matter.
But first...
I had more pressing business.
I looked toward the house.
My pillow.
My climate control.
My food.
My Estate.
Yes.
I had seen enough of the Wild.
“Purrrrrrr”
Big Human seemed to understand.
Take me inside.
And kindly serve dinner.
Immediately.
Later, from the comfort of my dining room table, I looked through the glass door at the wilderness beyond.
The trees were beautiful again.
The birds considerably less menacing.
Even the pond looked rather inviting.
From here.
This, I realized, was the ideal arrangement.
I could observe the outside world.
Oversee the welfare of my subjects.
Monitor Estate security.
And rule my kingdom from one exceptionally comfortable, climate-controlled location.
Precisely as a proper king should.
My inner tiger was satisfied.
Mostly.
Marlowe's Journal
One need not physically occupy every corner of one's kingdom in order to rule it.
That is why competent leaders have staff.
The Wild has been inspected.
Subjects have been identified.
Big Human has been assigned accordingly.
And the ToeBean-in-Charge has returned to his rightful throne.
Operation Homecoming: Successful.
Also, shrubbery is not to be trusted.